All right, I’m going to coach the University of Texas football team.

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All week, rumors about football managers have filled the news. Who will the Vikings hire? Will Jim Harbaugh leave Michigan? Will Urban Meyer return to college football? Where will LSU’s Ed Ogreron decide to settle? Will Lincoln Riley survive or thrive at fearsome USC? Will Brian Kelly continue to lose rookies he danced with in viral videos for untold reasons? But no one is asking the all-important question: When will the University of Texas call and appoint blogger Kelsey McKinney as head coach of the football team? This is the most important question, no, the request of this year’s coach carousel. And I, out of the goodness of my heart and the obligation in my blood, will volunteer to save this team from the darkness they seem to be running towards.

Now you might be wondering: is there a head coaching position at the University of Texas? No there is not. The current head coach is Steve Sarkisian. He was signed just over a year ago with a crazy six-year, $34.2 million contract. This means he still has five years left on his contract, but does he really need to finish it? Is he? Haven’t we seen enough?

I spent every Saturday of my fall 2021 watching miserably a team that somehow got even worse following the departure of Tom Herman. Of course, the broadcasters constantly reminded us that Sarkisian had coached in Alabama under Nick Saban, but they had to tell us because it wasn’t fucking clear on the pitch! The team went a DREADFUL 5-7. It’s awful, but somehow, incredibly, it’s getting worse: THEY’VE LOST FIVE MATCHES IN A ROW. Just imagine if Clemson or Auburn or Georgia or – God forbid – Bama lost five games in a row! Do you think a miserable little contract signed in a fit of optimism and delusion would stop these schools from dumping a coach after a seven-game losing season? No, it wouldn’t!

Really, it’s hardly a loss for Texas. Tito’s Vodka recently ‘invested ‘$20 million in UT Athletics to help the school’remain highly competitive in recruiting elite student-athletes, coaches and staff.“Of course, the press release says the ‘investment’ is for basketball, rowing and soccer. But Texas women’s basketball is currently ranked 13th. Men’s basketball is ranked 23rd and rowing is ranked first in the region, so it’s pretty clear to me that was a good PR talk to get rid of the loser *cough* *cough* at the head coach!Also, did I mention that I “LOVE Tito’s Vodka! So sweet! So clear! I’ll wear any stupid visor they give me and pose next to Matthew McConaughey to prevent this team from losing five consecutive football games!”

A lot of people would say we need to give Sarkisian another season so he can fully recruit a new class of football players and ideally improve the team. Respectfully, no thank you. University coaching is renowned for its recruiting work. Currently, sports blogs 247sports.com alleges that Sarkisian has been in the country’s fifth-best recruiting class (much higher than last year’s ranking of 15th). It’s a magical thought. Want to know why Texas has the fifth best recruiting class? I can tell you. The reason why Sarkisian asked 28 players to commit to Texas is BECAUSE TEAM SUGAR! Only 2 of them (2!) are five-star recruits. Texas A&M recruited 7: three more than Alabama.

Fortunately, I am here to provide answers to the mess Sarkisian has created. I am here to answer all your questions. Let’s do a few:

Kelsey, why do you want to be a head coach?

Thank you very much for asking. I do not. I would much prefer my low stakes job as a blogger, but am willing to serve my university which clearly needs me. It’s not about me. This is for the good of the program. It’s about putting the fight back in Texas Fight.

Okay. That’s great and all, but… what head coaching experience do you have?

There’s no need to be rude. I am a very fast learner and extremely organized. I’m also very good at convincing people to quit their jobs, so I’m sure I could sign some really good offensive and defensive coordinators pretty quickly. What I don’t know, I will learn from YouTube videos and my very talented staff.

But… do you even know any plays?

Yes! I even know a few that will actually work for us to score! *STUFFY*

Like what?

Every good college coach needs a signature offense. I’m going to run a signature propagation offense called LIKE WILDFIRE.

Very good name.

Thank you very much.

OK, but you say Texas has failed to attract 5-star players. How would you approach recruitment?

My fifteen watches of “Friday Night Lights” have amply prepared me for this. Unlike my predecessors, I won’t stumble in the open field. There’s no reason a player like Stetson Bennett IV (STETSON! BENNETT! THE FOURTH!!) shouldn’t be in Texas. Here’s what I would do. I would just find the next Joey Burrow and convince him to come to Texas. Moreover, I will win 9 matches. It will be much easier to recruit when the team is not completely trash.

How will the offense work?

Did Saban send you? Who do you work for? Have you thought that maybe you could have a better job in football if your boss didn’t always send you to press conferences to harass the other head coaches? You could probably use your skills and talents better somewhere else, like, I don’t know, at the University of Texas! Haha. I’m just kidding. But here’s my card just in case.

Oh. It’s very nice. I will think about it. I have a kind of rude question

Go ahead.

What about the fact that you are a woman. Will this be a problem? No women have coached D-1 football.

If you’re coming to work for me, I’m gonna need you to do your research better, okay? I’m not trying to be mean. It’s just to help you. We need to win nine games this season. And we do it with discipline. It’s the only way.

To answer your question. Callie Brownson coached the offense at Dartmouth. And Heather Marini coached quarterbacks at Brown.

MDR. Ivy League football is not true Division I football.

Damn, just like this program under Sarkisian, Herman and Strong, right?

*high fives*

But really, let’s be serious. It hasn’t been a competitive program since 2009. Tom Herman tried in 2018, but a team like Texas shouldn’t win 10 games. He should win 12. My teams will be HUNGER. This team should eat TCU for a snack and devour Oklahoma for dinner. We’re gonna shit the Big 12 championships on our ass by the time I’m done. It should be a team that is competitive every year, and under my leadership it will be. Did I mention we will win 9 games this year? And if we don’t, you can fire me.

Oh really?

Abso-fucking-lutley. I have no doubt that under my reign, sorry, direction, the Texas football team will prosper. Tears will come to Nick Saban’s eyes when he looks at our offensive line. He will crouch near the grass and speak quickly into his microphone. His insides will quiver with fear because the University of Texas has risen from the ashes of mediocrity to once again dominate college football.

So I just sent an email to this address on the map?

Yes. Tryouts are next week. We have to prepare for the spring games in April. So bring your A-game.

Yes, coach.

Thank you. God bless you and God bless Texas.

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